Can Warhammer Actually Help Your Mental Health?

What's your? Well, it's the nearly the end of Taskmasters. Yeah. So we need to maybe see if we do a new one. We obviously have thought the day which is a highlight of People's Week and and we should hopefully be going back to one a week episodes. We've done one every two weeks at the moment. Not good. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we've been. Yeah, special. Yeah, indeed, we have Doctor Love Brush, which is a fan's favorite, which we might. So we have 12345 just five questions left, which means we will now be. So get your questions ready, get onto the Discord, pepper us with questions.

Ideally, like we want like 6456 a week. We don't want this build up of 100 and we the fact that we haven't opened up doctor love brush this season, I think says a lot. We have news personal maybe, maybe not, and we have a thought of the day. Oh well, don't want to say what it is. I know. Or yours, Your thought. Oh, not thought of the day, I mean the meat of it, ah. Right, right, right, right. Yes.

I mean, we, we talked about it last week. So it's a, it's not mine, it's just ours. You just thought because we're A-Team, yes. Well, it was 2 weeks ago and dare I say I don't know what's going on. I've also written down I'm thinking of introducing a new segment. OK, it's new, old. It's new old. It's called Would you rather, however, these are not, I don't give a shit anymore about the hobby. So these are just real. Would you rather's OK potentially with the remit of me using as chat up lines when I go out. I see.

OK, because I can fill you in on the news on that. So that is it. And we will jump to the intro

Mini Matters, a miniature painting podcast. I need to crop that intro. Like there's a like of sort of three second Dead Space there at the intro. In in the recording of the intro in the. Actual dangle, yeah, in the video, yeah, just obviously. I but we we've used this for. Like no, I always like pushed it and then pushed record like a little bit, but I obviously I was doing that subconsciously. I'm a little bit also annoyed that like here just here, there's a little bit too much like like I've stopped using fixed hair Clippers like size.

So I'm just doing it manually and I'm only seeing it now and and maybe if I go like. Like this? Manually is great but like just let it grow just kind of beard. No, I can't. I don't want to beard. I look like a weird paedo guy because this starts to this is bum fluff, right? This. Yeah, OK, cool. I could grow like this, but I don't want that. So I this is a little bit longer and then this I realized it's just it's like pubes. It's disgusting. No one wants that. I mean it borderline. This is too already too long. I'm seeing that now. But anyway, look, that's not the news. I have to say I'm looking good. I don't want to, I don't want to like blow my own trumpet here, but I've been walking in the mornings, OK, and I have caught some like. Exercise.

Walking. You're going out for walks. Like an hour a day are now and I we are serenading each other while we and and today I did a little bit of running. Wow. Yeah, I was. I was listening how the strength was leaving his body. And it was, Yeah. No, in fairness, I stopped before I died. Yeah, clearly, Yeah. But like when I tried to do this Couch to 5K, the UK, they've got this app, right? Couch to 5K. And the concept is you. The couch annoys me because that's an American word, but it's from your sofa to be able to do 5K in like a month, right? And they the whole idea, like I think you do a minute running, a minute walking, a minute running. I did level 1.

Bearing in mind I played football for 20 years, 25 years. It fucking killed me. I was like, it destroyed my soul. Now I realized that you're probably not meant to run as fast as I used to run. So I don't know how to not run fast because I just did. I mean, fastest relative, you know, I'm not like some ninja blast, remember? But yeah. That there is an app that it's raw to Mordor or something like that and you. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you walk walking, you walk and then 800 miles, isn't it? Yeah, I don't know. You're basically, yeah, you're you're counting the distance from the Shire to Mordor, but you can walk wherever you are. So you're just like filling in that that amount I. Should I should do that?

I'll back you up. I won't do it myself though because I hate the films. But it doesn't have to do anything. With it, I know, I know, I know, I know. Interestingly, I remember as a kid getting that map and using the scale because there was a little scale that Tolkien drew and being like, shit, it's only from London to like Glasgow or something. But the whole distance. Yeah. Now on foot. No, But the concept was, it's the world, right? I was like, like, how is that a world? Like no. Is it? Is it though?

It's just the. There's stuff that isn't on the map. Yeah, exactly. There's there's in fairness, but still, that still shocks me that like, they should just go over there with some bazookas and blow the shit out of his tower. Do you know what I mean? Fucking idiots. So I wanted to obviously we want

to start with painting, right? So one Doctor love brush get in. I mean we're already like 6 minutes in, so in theory we have broken our promise of. But people is here for people. For what? Yeah, we have to give them what they want. And yeah. Also the news segment is to do with your well-being and if our now wants to, we can talk about MPO. But I think. He was just there in body but not in spirits, so he can choose how much he wants to say. I, I keep doing those at work. I got a very, I got a rapturous applause today in the joke I made actually.

So yesterday we had, we do a thing called retrospective, right? So we, we work in these two week sprints to keep us all focused and you, you plan all your work and stuff and then at the end of it, you do a retro, you look back retrospectively. I mean, if we did a Mini Matters retro and you get these columns right, everyone does the retros different, but this one was like, what went well, What went bad? What needs improvement?

And like what were you looking forward to? And I I was I I clicked on one and everyone's silent when they're all thinking and doing shit right. I always leave my mic on and then I just started laughing. I cracked up. And then the the chick, their layer was like, I saw your mouse on that thing. What needs improvement? And then you just started laughing. She's like, I can't not I have to ask. And I was like, Oh, no, I couldn't. And I was like, I'll start writing it. I was like, Oh, my marriage, right, What needs improvement? My marriage. And she laughed and the rest were like in the zone.

But then today, shit, I wish I knew the joke because now this is anticlimactal, but basically I made a joke and my my boss had already asked me like, dude, like everyone likes you, but let's like avoid the, the divorce in work. And I was like, yeah, I agree. This was like 3 weeks after the initial thing. So like I was talking about it on day, like the next day in work, right, with everyone there as I would, and, and I'd already sort of slowed down by this point. So I agreed with him wholeheartedly. Like, yeah, nothing.

Don't like it's awkward. It's just weird. People don't want to be in the work. They don't want personal life. I couldn't help it though today I had to. It was you. You still cannot help it right now, just just moments after you said that. Oh, yeah, Shit. Right, right. Well, it let's do the brush.

But yeah, this, this. I mean, I had them. They will laugh. They were enjoying this joke, I think, because they could see the the sheer joy that it brought me. Like a child who looks after a dying squirrel or something. There's no joy there, though. Nope. Nicholas M, who does watch the show because he has come out of retirement to tell us in Discord. I do watch the show every week. So stop please saying that I don't watch the show because every single episode I say I don't think Nick, you watch the show. Nick, I think you're an idiot. The show is not worth watching and I don't know why you do it.

And I assume that as soon as we've answered all your questions then you're going to jump ship, much like my wife. So everyone, so I'm allowed to answer. At what point is your painting journey do you look back on with the most joy? What part in your painting journey now you 2 have done the journey? Yeah. We've we've kind of answered this question everyone. Just do it again because I can't fucking remember. You're right though, you are actually right. Something similar I said when I was like 14 in the store. Yeah, Golden demon, you were talking about that we were talking about like our favorite moment in the hobby. And this was say the question again, was it A at? What point in your painting journey do you look back on with the most joy?

Oh. I remember there was a chick once in Games Workshop. Yeah, that. That would be yours. Yeah, yeah, just once. Yeah, just one. This is one time there was a girl. That's that's definitely a specific memory. Do you have one right now? I kind of do. I definitely do have one. I remember very fondly when I was starting and it was the discovering new artists and and idolizing them.

And every time someone painted something new, IT was like, fuck, this is the best thing that ever happened to the world. And, and now that we are tired of of everything and you don't feel that it's like I wish I could experience that same excitement and, and of the novelty of the of the painters that I miss very much. Was this GW painters or any painter? No, no, no, no more painters. So I have this theory, OK, and I've not thought about it ever.

It's not a theory. I have a similar thing with coding where I'm just jaded. It's boring, I've done it all, I'm good at it. I can't even really be bothered to get better at it. Every now and then I'll have like a little tiny spike. But I've been thinking when and

now I'm coming out of this. My counsellor called it a depressive state, right? So I didn't have depression, but I was into, I had a depressed depressive state for like 9 years. OK, so basically you're depressed for nine years, but you're, you are not depressed, if that makes sense. And now I look back and I'm like, there was a reason why I kind of lost any passion with coding. I think is a, it's my job. So that's like just a big contributor to it anyway. But I think B my brain, I had something that I used to enjoy and now I've stopped enjoying it because I've got like this bad association with it, if not quite so clear cut, but it used to bring me joy. I used to like there was so much more to learn, right? It might be different for your painting actually, but there was so much less to learn because I was at first it was like this and I knew nothing, but I thought I knew a lot. And then I started learning more and the world started opening and I was like, holy shit, there's an unlimited amount of shit now and right.

And now I'm at the point where I'm like closed. And I think that in my depressive state, I self closed it because I didn't want to put in energy to it. Right now for me with coding, if I if I cared enough about it and it used to bring me joy, I used to build apps blah blah blah. If I cared about it, I believe I could open those doors again and be like, actually, there is this whole other world that I could jump into different. I don't want to bring it to paint because that's more you you could. I can't. Like for me, my painting is still at that level where I could open it, right?

But coding, I know I've had these horrible feelings around it because, you know, I had to collect all the money back from the money I lost my wife, like this isn't a joke. Like she more or less hated me for losing all that money. And then the only way I could get the back of that money was coding. So coding was never fun. It was a pressure. It was like this thing and I would be sitting at my desk and I'd rather be out maybe spending time with her or friends or blah, blah, blah, right. So it took on this different form of, of shit. It was just like, it wasn't, you know, it used to be this outlet where I could read books for hours on it and get excited about how to imply this thing. And now I'm thinking, now I'm out of this depressive state, I'm much more open to thinking, oh shit, do you know what? Learning is fucking fun.

You get, you get dopamine from it. You get this, it's AI, don't know if it's a thrill, but it's like the fact that I've started exercising again. I wasn't I couldn't do that for six years. I didn't move my body once, right? So basically I'm wondering are now if you're you're bored of painting, but was it more that like everything else was made you bored of painting? No, it's it's because you get used to it. Well. I'm basically saying it like you do it in your job already.

The fact that you're bored means that you always have to find creative ways to not be bored, right? Yeah, no, that's, that's true. But I I meant more not not as much as me painting, but as as appreciating others because. The world is boring. Yeah, exactly. I think there's more I. Think that yeah, I think that's an interesting parallel because you, you evolve yourself and you hopefully you get better, but whatever you do, you might still get jaded from just seeing everyone else's work. Like your eye will slowly get better. I think the the the two halves of that where you you get better yourself at something, but your eye also gets better and you learn to appreciate other people and you start to see like the nuances of your own work and where it could improve.

That's a that's a good thing. But sometimes it could be. And maybe it's like that for you, Jamie. I think it's definitely like that for me. I don't think I've gotten better, but I think everyone else's stuff is is less interesting to look at, I suppose. Or I'm no. No, I agree hardly with. That by the same things I'm still, I'm still extremely impressed with a lot of stuff I see and I still see a huge gap between a lot of painters and my own work. So it's really nothing to do with where I am, but there's not that kind of. I definitely think there would have been more 1520 years ago that I would have been excited by, which is interesting.

But I guess that's what I'm sort of getting. Maybe this whole hobby, it's not what I was getting at, but it's a thought experiment. Maybe this whole hobby is just

depressed in a in a bowl of shit. Like, I don't know. I don't. Yeah, go on. Well, OK, I don't, I don't ever see people share their passion for painting. It's always pictures. It's always this. I never there's no, there's no. It's like a fucking mask in front of everything. I want to do this because I want to do. I want to be bad. I want to do this technique because I want to suck this guy's Dick. Like, you know what I mean? Like they're not. I don't see passion.

I never see passion from people. Alfonso is the first and only person that I met from the start to the end where he was just his frustration was passion his like he was he fucking wholeheartedly loved that artwork. Albert has passion, but it's more muted, right? Like it doesn't, It doesn't, you're saying? Passion. Passion isn't necessarily enjoyment, right? It isn't necessarily like gleeful happiness. It's passion. Yeah. Commitment, right? Yeah. Yeah, but, but, but I think the core issue is I spent 200 hours on it and they look fucking exhausted when they say it.

Like it was some drag, like it was this horrible chore that they had to live through the painting. Like, like, so this is what's happened in my in my 3, six weeks, 3, five weeks, six weeks metamorphosis. Because I'm looking at things a lot more cynically than I was before. And I'm in life. Yeah. Yeah, I think so in life. Like I'm still extremely happy about living and everything that's around in the world. Like it blows my mind. I don't like to think about it because I get a little bit emotional from joy, right. So I try not to go down that road because I'm still in this working out where I'm at like thing, but I can look at stuff a lot more easily for what they are because I was in this. I was like, I was basically trapped in a in a prison of shit.

And that was by my own choice and by other things like external blah, blah, blah, right? But painting for me has been borderline torture, I think these last six years. What did I say to you all? Now have you got that written down? Yes, I, I, I. Saw it, yeah. You said painting is a big part of who I want to be. Yes, that's so that that's the difference, right is I've like these years and that's why like because I now was always like, why are you here blah, blah, blah and.

Yeah, actually it surprised me a lot when you said it and that's why I I put it on the notebook. That surprised you? I think that that's a very succinct way to put it. It did surprise me because I thought that he was not interested in in painting whatsoever. That's why I always try to, to squeeze the why don't you leave this, this industry? Why don't you leave the hobby if you don't want to? Right. Yeah, but that's what's so that's what's so good about that sentence is painting is a big part of who I want to be.

No, no, exactly not. Yeah, that it was surprising for for a good so in a good way. But maybe because I I lost hope. So because I don't know. Yeah, I didn't know. I didn't know. Yeah. Like a like a girlfriend. The boyfriend finally says, I love you. She's like, that's all I wanted to hear. Right? Like, so I'm, I'm slightly disillusioned by this whole industry. I, I, I think it's shit in a really weird way now I'm, I'm too extreme.

I, I'm, I'm fully aware that I am a little bit polarized now because of like the divorce and you know, like the addiction that I had to my, my, she's not my ex-wife, but I'm just going to call her my ex-wife because we legally can't get divorced, but we are divorcing. And maybe you just need to go that to feel something because I basically, I didn't feel like it's such a weird thing, right? Like I've only ever felt happiness really, because I I couldn't feel. I was numb. I think that's like a good way to sum it up, right? So like all the stuff about I feel happy and then I said I want to feel sadness.

And you were like, that's not happiness, that's something else weird. So it all makes more sense now. So yeah, the, the hobby, when I look at the hobby and I go to these competitions, it might also be because I was in this depressive state. So I couldn't go there and enjoy shit because I was not happy, right? So it's a reflection of like, if, if you're top level where you can feel something is, is all the way down here and everyone else is up here, you, you can't relate to that, right? So you're still fucking down here and you can see they're happy, but I couldn't relate to it.

So when I see these people painting stuff and winning awards, I feel nothing like and I see these models and I feel really nothing. I know I should, but I don't. And I think it's like, it might be why I think that the industry

shit because I'm not feeling this stuff. But I still don't see like and I never hear anybody being so happy about a piece they've painted. And that might not be true on Discord. They might, you know, it's always, I didn't get gold, I didn't get silver. You know, Lionel, for example, being like this guy got bronze and I got bronze and clearly mine's better and his was better in fairness, objectively speaking. But it was never like, and that's why whenever I ask someone like, and I did it even when I was in my depressive state. But like, did you have fun while you did it? It's so much more important to me than how good their piece is, right? So much more than nobody talks about it. Yeah.

And, and I'm, I do it, the whole thing. I want my pieces to be better. I want to do this, not did I fucking have fun to do it right. And that's why I really want art to be part of my life, but I don't know how yet. I was turning, I was turning on now this, I've got this. It's it feels like a physical wall at this point. The fact that I can see it now and I can visualize it almost means that I can start approaching how to break that wall down, right? It's just, it's just a wall. It's like a fucking huge physical cunting, brick, concrete, steel. I don't know how I can move past this fear of not being good enough.

Basically. I guess how I won't, I won't achieve the ideas I have in my own head, you know, because I have all these ideas and these fucking excellent things. And I want to do this. I want to do that. And then instantly I like and I'm like, yeah, I can fucking do that. And then I visualize doing it and I feel it melting away. And that's the the fear or the just all the shit that's the wall, right? Like I try and walk and then I literally go bump and I'm like, Oh yeah, fuck. And then all of it dissipates like. Yeah.

I mean, I think your your problem, I think very clearly, and I've said this before, it's obviously what you're comparing yourself with. Yeah, it's my own expectation. It's everyone you know. Oh, I see. It's your own. Yep. No, but also your expectations. It's the, you know, you can do the like big fish, little fish, small pond, big pond kind of analogy where like you've decided to be be in the biggest possible pond at all times with the hobby, which will always make you feel very fucking tiny. It's you know, I think about this with like the master slash standard category of some competitions that that kind of a little bit has to do with your own idea of yourself. Anyone painter will be like, no, I'm not, I'm, I'm I need to be in the masters category.

That's where I belong. And then, you know, for for me, for example, that's what I've done in Monte. I haven't won anything. So it's like, maybe I should just go down to standard. But then it's like, why though? Is it important to me to win a prize or is it, it's a, it's a, it's, it's, again, it's that kind of the context that you put yourself in with your hobby and with your creativity. And going back to the, the question that we were kind of just talking, trying to answer with like your favorite hobby memory. Like I really, we said this last time too, I really miss when I was like 1617 just painting because that pond was tiny. Like I was the best painter out of, you know, 4 people. And I felt really good about that and I enjoyed the hobby. It was very clear I was drawn to every aspect of the hobby at all times.

It was very obvious that this, what I what I liked about it and why and how I wanted to express myself with it. And it wasn't to do with like, I'm better than this person or this guy's got more awards than me, or I've got so and so many followers. And for you, Jamie, I think, you know, you don't care about followers, you don't care about awards, but you do have an idea that and you can't get rid of it. You have an idea of where you are compared to where you want to be, where you think you should be, and where everyone else is. Everyone you know. Yeah, that's what I wrote down.

You summed it up. I thought you weren't going there. I'll I'll quickly are now.

Sorry. Oh, you, I've got mine written down. Go on. No, no, go. Yeah, that's the whole issue, right? That whole thing that you were saying about should I go masters, should I go standards, blah, blah, blah. That is at it's very core the issue, right? We have built this system up to put people in these placements, right? Which immediately, so everything is, is, is engineered so that you have to do that because there's no other way, right? That so, and it shouldn't be that I need to, my wall is that and I need to say I don't give a shit about that.

We've spoken about it in the past in fairness, but I didn't understand why I need to say am I enjoying painting? And I fucking was. I really was enjoying painting a lot. I enjoyed it more when I unlocked stuff my my frustrations and when I could do Oh, so when you scratch your ear right now, it zooms out like so I see it's a double edged sword because you want to see progress. But why don't I just paint without progress? And that's the whole thing, right? Why don't you just paint to achieve what you want to? Like I looked at my cabinet of Warhammer. I didn't have to think when I did it. It was boring painting it, but the outcome at least was something.

But I was thinking when I when I move, because I need to move out, like why don't I just paint a big anyway, A big fucking third edition table because that little one I got in the cabinet, it's amazing, but it's too small. Yeah, I know. I, I, I would say that it's even deeper than this. Like, well, the the meat of it today was going to be mental health, how it's related to the hobby. And and I actually think that it it ties in many ways with this, especially considering why do we need to achieve something? Why, why, why is it a hobby that it's just a conduct to achieve something instead of just a hobby to to be a hobby like to if you go if you go fly planes or if you go do whatever. Or you're the best plane flyer.

Yeah. Yeah, you're not going. I mean, you could, but you are not doing it for for that, right? You're just doing it because you fucking love seeing your plane fly. And it seems like painting has the majority of people is using it, not not enjoying it, you know? There must be a huge subculture of people that we don't see. We surround ourselves with similar people, we go to these competitions, we build relationships.

We must be in a, in a, in a bubble, and we are in a very tiny. Tiny world. It's a niche of a niche. Yeah, I, I think that we are sadly the most unhealthy out of all the painters, I think. Do you know what I mean? They paint with their kids, their mates, They're they're painting. They don't give a shit. They're like, yeah, fuck it, that looks good. Whereas we are. And I understand to go to the levels that you go in anything, you have to be a little bit hyper focused. Maybe is a good word. Do you know what I mean?

Like the best athletes in the world aren't the best athletes in the world because they're just naturally good. No, they've got some weird unhealthy relationship with it where they have to push themselves. And you know, Albert, your squad that you won gold with, like those situations don't Yeah, basically the same thing, right? They they don't come around unless you're willing to sacrifice something. And and I'm basically saying I don't want to do that, not now, you know, but I don't know how to move past that. Amazing. Just a funny anecdote about health. So I was at the doctors in this would have been mid-october, I guess. And I had my blood pressure was a little bit high and, and I know generally I was like, I don't think that's, there's no obvious reason for this or whatever. And my doctor was like, are you, are you quite stressed right now about anything going on?

I was like, yes, I am, yes, Sir. He was like, OK, so why don't you see if you can check your blood pressure in a in a bit and get back to me, see if it levels up and it did it is it is. After to get after Golden Demon, Yeah, yeah. After Golden Demon and this was in so I mean, I checked it not that long ago, but you know what I mean. Like, oh. Fuck, we're killing ourselves. Fuck ourselves for these competitions Do we get we get unhealthy about it and this was at the time I wasn't even like it wasn't that kind of stress, but something was happening inside my entire sorry. Yeah, it's just there like you.

It's just there. Yeah, it's just there. And this is something I choose to do at least once a year. Yeah. I don't know. Something to think about. Like that's the thing, right?

In this whole. Doesn't sound like a hobby, does it? You know. Nah, yeah, it's, it's The thing is right. To be able to push yourself to achieve something that you've wanted to do is a is a huge, it's a life goal, right? Like if you do something like the cup finals I won and the leagues I won, managing those like 20 players who are all better at me at football as well, by the way. And I want to still play. So you've got this fine balance of, OK, I can't play myself, but I'm doing all this fucking work and no one else is there turning up. But the, the, the, the, that achievement I have from those things still live with me now, right?

And I feel that sacrifice was worth that basically that, you know, I used to lose sleep over picking the team because I go out drinking with all these boys. And then then we go training twice a week and then they're all nagging and getting annoyed and pissed off. And you have to manage these egos and these things and blah, blah, blah, right? So it was hot, it was brutal. Like it was, it was, it was self harm is not the right, but it's the same with the competitions, right? So when you do achieve that, I have those that has defined me as a person. I had a goal, I pushed through. So it's interesting, I understand.

But the issue is, at least for me or the casual people, maybe you lose sight and then it destroys the hobby. Do you know? That's I thought about this recently as well, because I always thought that I was, I, I loved my, my hobby and I love my work and I always, I was very proud of pursuing my, my hobbies so deeply and you know, passionately and I've done for, for many, many years and, and I'm very proud when I come end the year with all these figures painted and do a collage. And I love that.

And then this year I, I painted so much less than the other years. And I feel kind of bad about it, but there's a reason for it and which is that I am for the first time in many, many, many years, prioritizing myself instead of my work. And then it's when I realized that, and obviously the line is muddy because it's my work, but it, it was not, it was not my hobby anymore in any kind of shape or form because because now that I'm thinking taking care of myself, I know what it is to take care of myself, myself. And I was not doing it before.

I was prioritizing painting before all the things that really mattered. And and now that I'm not doing it, it's like, oh shit, that was I, I corrupt the relationship with painting very much. And that's why a blanket statement not true. I believe everyone in his hobby is depressed or in some depressive state as in to push that hard. Like again, I don't believe that, right? It's a, it's a, it's a blanket statement, but there has to be something I'm learning about my dictions, right? So my wife had depression four or five years. My cancer is like, it's a huge contributing factor to all the things that I had, right?

Like this, living with someone with that, where they're not making you part of the team or, and you can't like, really, right. But like you're isolated and then you gamble, the timelines match up. So I, I, yeah, I did all the, the, the gambling for what, three years? And then I did painting for two years. So I got, so I went from hobby to addiction and then and then I had a little bit of like relapse, not gambling, but you know, I banned myself. So like stocks, CFDS and then I moved to Austria, I got gamma to playing Warhammer and I the addiction just broke September last year. So I've not played Warhammer since then really. And now it's magic.

But yeah, but not the same way because I'm not playing enough. But I am purchasing a lot, so I need, that's what like right now him and I, the counsellor are working out like fighting the fire of the, of the divorce, right. So, so I think we're getting through that now. Basically, I think we're going to start moving on to why I'm fucked as a person. And he would, he would he, when I say stuff like that, he's like, what? No, you're not, you're not like, and I'm like, yeah, no, I know, I know, I know. But so all that stuff like why am I, what am I hiding with my addictions?

You know, there's something I'm hiding and I feel like all of us doing the Warhammer again, I use all of us not as literal to be able to push to that level. What are we running away from?

Because it's I don't, I think it's one of two things. I think you're running away from something and you can immerse yourself in this thing because you know, it's comfortable and you understand how it works or you are really pushing yourself to achieve what you want to achieve. You know, it's a, it's a conscious thing. Like fuck, OK, this is something I wanted since I'm a kid. I'm going to just fucking hammer it like, and then it's not, it's not it's, I don't think that's the same as running. Maybe, maybe it is, but it feels like the the maybe it's the same thing, but the narratives feel different, obviously. Yeah, that's what I thought the most of my life actually, that I was pursuing that, you know, improvement in my, in my, in my painting. But, but I don't think it was because it was pressure. It was, you know, obviously money pressure. It was a pressure of stay relevant, a pressure, you know, a pressure that I put myself of being good enough. So all these pressures, what what they do is they take all the honest reasons for painting

out and you, you forgot, you forget about them basically. Yeah, because you're so focused, you're hype. It's basically hyper vision over a really, really long period of time and ignoring everything else. I think that's the key, right? When I, when I'm in these addictions, it means I can focus on that. I don't have to worry about why my wife hates me. I don't have to worry about all these other. Ironically, the marriage like the. I think that's also why I didn't care about losing this money and I really didn't because that's not important to me.

What was important to me was my wife, you know, and the relationship we had. And the irony is all the steps I did contributed to this affair. And and, you know, I don't hold blame. I don't feel guilt in that respect. I would like to go and change it, go back and be like, OK, but I didn't. So I can only learn from that, right? But it's like it's interesting because it is like it's literally a a veil of of understanding that's that's gone now. You know that that that thing that I because nine years is a fucking long time to just be like in a no, it doesn't need air bubbles, depressive state.

I still find this concept like he's like, you were depressed, but you don't have depression. I'm not. What's the difference? Look, it's, I think it's useful sometimes to think about depression in a literal sense. If you consider, if you think about the word literally like a depression is down. Yeah. No, but like something being depressed is a. Oh, I see the literal meaning of the word. Yeah, yeah, the. Literal meaning of the word. If you if you look at it that way, then that might might actually be more, more or less accurate.

Yeah, like you are still you, but you are depressed. I mean, yeah, actually that's a really good word for depression. It's fucking great. I. Had someone point that out to me and I was like, yeah, that actually helps a little bit to think about because that's what that's what is happening to me as well. The, the, the depressed state is what it is. It's depressed. Something is being pushed, either pushed down or in a in a good Lord crater of anxiety and blood. Yeah, but literally depressed I in my head, I've got it like if you could imagine us as a 3D object and someone's just sort of squished.

But it's more a representation of your soul for a better word, right, Because your body is fine technically, but your your mind isn't is depressed. Shit, man. Yeah, OK. It's interesting though, that that could be removed. I told him in my last session I was like, I don't trust that. I feel like these feelings of, you know, it's been 2 weeks now that I felt like, do you know what? This is so far superior than what I had. And I makes it like, I'm still because because I've been in that state for so long.

I'm like, is it really going to? I'm just waiting for tomorrow and I wake up and I just start crying again for like 2 weeks. But I don't think it will. But I've learnt not to trust it. But yeah, 2, two weeks out of it feels like a solid ground. But yeah, so the painting, I've really really just it's, it's something that's screaming inside me to do. Right. That's and I'm experiencing something similar than you, I think. Yeah, because I I am experiencing the I really need to do something that I really want to do.

Yeah. And yet I don't do it. Yeah, yeah. It's, it's, it's. And now go on what? Well, no. No go. Ahead you. You continue your thing, Jamie. This feeling is exactly the same feeling I had when I was gambling. I'm screaming to stop inside. Every fibre of my being wants to stop, but I just keep going and you're like well what the fuck are you doing? You're like stop, click 5 grand, 10 grand, 15 grand. Fast forward to 550 grand, right? So it's horrible to feel powerless. It's interesting though, because so many things I had that were holding me back that that that I wanted to do, I didn't do. And now I'm out of this relationship, I can do them again, right?

Like lots and lots of things that were just like exercise, running, walking, just literally like small shit, household shit, all this other stuff, right? I was able to, to finally, OK, I'm going to do it. But I, I don't fully get, and now I think it's because I have a wall there. The other stuff, the wall was like the depression, basically, right. Whereas this wall is, is so much more than just that. I, I, I, I've also realized I can't be objective. So me explaining that means it's not the truth. That's what I've learned.

Anything I've ever said about like feelings, when I think I'm being objective, it's just a fucking lie. Like, I'll have him, I'll have the councillor point this out. And when are you, whiny little cunt? You're right. That's like fucking true. So if I'm able to explain it, it means that I, until I really

have clarity, no one else can know that except for myself, right? So yeah, like with gambling, I was always like, I'm an addict and I could, I said that for about two years, but I didn't believe it. But I could logically say it out loud and I'll be like, yeah, I'm an addict. But it was only when it really clicked one day, like to my core, I understood it. I'm going to get the door. I've I've not paused it though. Of course not. Yeah, why would you? I was going to ask. Or now what? This thing that you think you want to paint, Can you explain that more? You said you want us, you want to do something for yourself, but you're not doing it.

But you're still painting every day because you still have Commission work. Yeah, yeah, OK. I, I have these, these pressures that I want to do, but I want them. And I think it can relate to, to Jamie's because I want them to be meaningful and I want them to be as, as important as I want them to be. Not, not only, not only in the level that they achieve, but in, you know, it's like you almost mystify them. It's it's a, you mystify that project. And you, you think that this will, will change your life.

Is your, the project of your life. And I have these, these projects in my head that I really want to do. I have many at home and and I keep bringing simple commissions before them because that's safe, that's easy. There's no jeopardy in in that because it's, you know, it's something that I know how to do. The other ones are difficult. They need my soul. They need my, my mental, all the mental capacity that I have for that, which is difficult. And then you also put your yourself out there in yourself because then you will show yourself how much you can, you can put in, right.

Yeah, and it's not about others judging you. It's it's how you don't want to disappoint yourself. That's an interesting. That's a very interesting point you made because I feel exactly the same way. It's weird that thing where you're you, you want to create something that's really amazing because I feel the same way. I don't have a ton of Commission work, but when I do, it's the same as the feeling of like, oh, but this is this is great because I can justify this with I need money and also I can do it much, much easier. And if it's something for myself, if it's something that I'm I, if I, if I think about it like as a gaming piece or something, then again, I can be like, no, that's it's got this excuse.

But when it's supposed to be the best thing ever, then it's completely horrifying. And not because someone else might look at it, not be impressed, but because I will look at it and not be impressed. And most of the times when when we do projects like this with pressure and with mystifying them, the project ends up a lot worse than it then then it would if we do, if we do it, you know, enjoying it and freely the the projects we do enjoying it and quick and they they flow are the best projects always like the the, the everyone always is like, oh, this is so cool. And it's like it took me two days. I didn't put some effort, but but that's exactly because of that, right?

That that everyone likes it. So yeah, it's I understand that wall. I understand. And that's what yeah, I need to let go of this concept of doing good stuff. The trouble is it's not good. Good's the wrong word. The stuff I want. That's that's the key is what I what I what the itch that I need to scratch. I can't scratch because my my scratcher isn't fucking long enough or some shit, right? That's what it is. So. So that's my own expectations. Like you said, you summed it up well. And, and I'm really looking forward to Monty with this new found happiness.

I can talk to people again. I can actually want to be around other people, except for people like you guys. Basically, we're the only ones I really cared about. I still don't care about the other people, obviously, right? But I can enjoy the connection. So I then care about them because I just it's nice to talk to people, but also I want to see if I see passion in anyone else. I don't think I do I I, I again, I just lie to myself. So yeah, I, like everyone's just fucking depleted by Monty, do you know what I mean? Yeah, they're burned out.

You're depleted by Monty. They are like when I see people there, yeah, everyone's like, oh fuck, I was, I rushed it. I had to get it finished. Or Golden Demons. Much, much more like that than Monty, in fairness. Yeah, I think golden demons a lot more like that, that's all. That SMC yeah war yeah, Monty actually isn't a good example because I feel that Monty people are there for the people and the food more than any other competition, right so so golden Demon being the first what SMC first, right Most people don't enter SMC and then so golden golden demon is the one where I feel negative energy. It's like how your parents are

getting divorced and they're not happy. That's like, it's such a weird, depressing thing to say about a competition that I grew up with idolised. And again, I'm, I'm, I'm aware I'm probably just projecting something onto Golden Demon, but I don't see people like, I don't know, it's, it's such a weird culture. It is. Yeah, it is. You know I don't know my. Last year last year felt nice. There was a lot of positivity and it felt like we were kind of appreciative of each other's work and seeing each other more than. That's good to hear.

Maybe some other years which? Proves that that I didn't want to see that. It proves that I avoided that probably. I ran away from the competition. I didn't speak to anyone. So my perception of it is that people are talking about how long they spent on pieces rather than if they enjoyed it. And people aren't like, shit, Yeah, it was a horrible thing, but I, you know, blah, blah, blah. So I I need to go in not tainted open. The, the moment when we share the meanings at the end of the of the that weekend, that's the best moment of all because you can talk to them and and they share with you. It's relaxed.

Everyone knows already the prices. So it's more human in a way because it's the competition is out of the way. That's very true. Yeah, it's the best moment to engage if you want to engage at some point. And I hate that it's not long enough that kicked this out last time and you go to the pub, it was fucking loud. I saw Boha, Alfonso's friend, hugged him. He didn't know. We didn't. I didn't know. And then we saw. And then we all said that, wow, that's amazing. Something thick. And then, yeah, I went on a tangent there, but that's OK.

Every year for the last, I don't know, since 2018 or something, we've a bunch of us have made a real effort to try and find somewhere where we can put all the models on the table and have a good look at them and it never quite works out unless. Needs to go out and lives there or a massive and. Yeah, we need someone to live there. If someone has a a massive living room in their own B&B or something and we can just get. Like an after party, right? Because you're going to have like 30-40 people there. Realistically, if if from from gathering around the tables and then when people see it happening they come in and like yeah, I, I. They they kicked us out so quickly in in event this big. Yeah, the competition ends too.

Too late I guess. Yeah, they they always schedule it quite late because they want to go out with a bang, which is a it's both very sensible, but it makes also no sense. It's there's no real point to it. They want to do like the final, final thing of all of golden demon is giving the slave sword and then everyone goes home. But it would actually. Be Yeah, there's a rush, yeah, lights and yeah. For every reason it would be much better to just do that like at 10:00 in the morning like apparently they do at MPO. Yeah, but that's why then, yeah, it would be a lot better because then everyone relaxes so you can actually talk to fucking people. Yeah, and you have the rest of the day to just be calm and to. The only way, the only way that will ever work is if we get the whole community to say we're going to boycott the awards, right?

But no one will. But that would be the only way to to get it. To happen, but if they had some some consistent feedback of people wanting wanting it to be. Earlier Albert, Albert talks to them, doesn't he? So yeah, yeah. Also they're probably paid to rent the space for all that time so they're like shit. Well, for sure that's true yeah. I need to get my head round this

concept of of painting because I I want to paint and and it's not not because of other people, because I don't share my work really it's it is the own inward expectations I have on myself where. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's solo winners. Yeah. Well, how do you feel about, I think I've asked you this, like, what do you think about building and converting and like just building your elder army and that sort of thing? Is that you? Enjoy that? It's all part of it, I think I do. I enjoy it all really, but I can feel that it's all part of it. Like, I don't know. I know I need to do some more soul searching and ideally just like sit down like now that.

So a huge thing I had in in in The Mirage, OK, was whenever I had free time, it was extremely guilt ridden. So Tina's like right, you've got the evening off. I just couldn't do anything because I knew she was hating me and I knew that she'd call me in 4 minutes when the kid starts crying. Right. So I never ever for the last seven years and it might there's probably just normal parenting in fairness. So I'm not complaining overly here. Like, I never, ever had a, a literal moment where I was like, OK, cool, you know, Tina took the kid for six weeks to Austria without me. And that was, that was the first time I experienced real, like, loneliness, I think.

And even then I couldn't do stuff because I was so sad and so guilt ridden that like, I didn't go, but then I had to because I was working, blah, blah, blah. So this is the first time. Yeah, go on. How does? How does it translate now that you don't have that? Good that we're on the same page. Yeah. So this is the first time in the, in the, in the entire relationship where I don't have, I don't have the kids, Right. So it's three days on, three days off we're doing. And she can't really. OK.

If one of them chops their hand off, she'll call me. Otherwise, I'm not, you know, she doesn't need to call me anymore when one of the kids is crying. I don't think she should have anyway, but she did. And she's my wife, so I love her. So I'll always support her. Loved. And yeah, now I'm like, I feel very free. But it's so new. It's like, you know, when you book a holiday and you're like, right, shit, I've got a week to do what I want to do. You don't do anything for the first few days. You wallow in your own joy of doing nothing. You watch TV, you fucking get take away, whatever. Then that's where I think I'm at now. So today, today is the literal first time that I'll know for today and tomorrow I won't have the kids. Which is a bit selfish because she's going away for a four day weekend to a spa.

Not with her new guy though. Not that you asked. And. All I'm asking is what are you going to do now tonight? Like when we when we when we're done with this and you've aside from just a. 6 hour fucking lunacy. No, but that's my point is right now I can visualize me doing the hobby and I know I'm not going to. However, I also know I take no joy in playing computer games. I have no, I have nothing right now. Actually, I'm a bit of a husk. I don't want to code. I don't want to do the warhammer stuff that I did the website, the map and all this.

So I'm just, I'm finding my feet again, basically, right. And, and I'm, I'm not, Tina had a lot of free time before and she's gotten used to this idea of splitting like for the last maybe 2-3 years. So it's not new for her. So, so she's finding it easier. I'm only saying that in comparison, like I expect this to be hard and, but I'm also extremely happy that like I've got full resolution within six weeks of, of, of splitting. So I don't have any animosity. I don't have any real anger left.

Last night I had a bit of jealousy, but not, not, not anything that was meaningful. And I'm I'm doing stuff for myself which has never happened before. It's a. That's a blurred line, but yeah. But, and that painting, it is it. Is it there because it wasn't a few weeks ago? It's terrifying. So anytime I have an itch, it gets squashed by the fear, right? And I get it, logically it doesn't make sense because you've got this thing you want to do.

But yeah, that, that, that right now, if you had like an analogy of of like this is a monster and this is the painting and I'm here, I'm like this. I'm like, I still feel incredibly small and I don't. And that's why right now I don't have these feelings of all right, fuck it. I'm going to go and paint tonight, even though I know I've got free time. I I know what's going to happen. I'm going to finish work. Normally when we do this, I do a little bit more work, right? But anyway, I'll finish work and then I'll just be like, and I, I literally will be bored. I know I can already tell you now that I'm going to just, I'm going to not fucking do anything.

I'm just going to Muller around and there's like 8 things I need to do in the house, right? But I know I'm moving. So I'm like, oh shit, I can't be able to do it. But no, I, I actually think before we did, before I had the call this morning, I was, I was, I was actually really motivated. So that's probably not true. I've cleaned the house way more today than I have because every time the kids come, blah, blah, blah, ruin it. So yes, will I paint well? Yeah, my question was not that it was because I I don't expect you to and but I think you have to be bored.

Yeah, it helps. I had all these other things, right, that could distract me from painting. You know, when painting got a little bit hard, I'll go to the coding. I'll go to, I don't know, being distracted by film when you're sitting down painting. I've never been. Bored in my life as I have now. You know, I literally have never had more than a like, Yeah. Free time. 10:50 Yeah. Exactly. Everything was, yeah, I wasn't allowed to be bored I guess because I'd be ridden with guilt even though I was painting. So I think that this boredom because I've always had these side. Projects I've always had.

Coding, painting, football. Like I've never had time where I'm literally like, oh fuck, like I need to find something to be bored around. You said something.

Yeah. Yeah, sorry. No. OK, You said something. Super interesting that it's it, it unlocked something in me that I forgot and was the side projects. The the side projects. I, it was a huge part of me all my, all my life having these, these things that carry, carry you and that you want to do and you're thinking about them all day right then. And I forgot about them either in the last like 2 years or literally just in this.

Conversation. No. No, in the last few years I don't. Know what? Give an example, what's the side project could be, could be something hobby related like a specific project for example, or could be for example a deck that you're building in Magic or could be, I don't know. Yeah, but what's what's the difference between a side project? And just your hobby it's. Kind of different. It's not your main. Focus it, it's something that you know you can fall back on and and it comes in waves. You'll get like super excited, you'll smash it out for a month, but you'll know that's there.

And then you it's like a security net in a way, because you know that I I won't be bored if if I don't have it's like waves, I guess, but but the waves at the bottom is another side project and then a main project, then a side project. Like that's more what it's like rather than nothing, something, nothing, something. And I'm right now I'm in nothing. Something interesting. So I've always, yeah, I've always, always had these side projects as well. Like maybe, maybe we need to define it more so. But yeah, like it's a bit, it's it's nice to feel this right. Like I've said, this whole journey, I can't like it. I'm so grateful to feel I only had joy and numbness. And I'm questioning if the joy was really joy. I think it was because it felt so fucking good, but it's just interesting overwhelming happiness with with nothing really other than happiness.

But I know looking back now, it wasn't, it wasn't, it was, it was just a weird concoction of shit. I guess. Don't really fully get that yet. I'll, I'll go in the council like that guy. This guy's good, €180 an hour, but fucking hell, he's he's decent so. Yeah. I I will try to like I want I it's not even 1 to I need to paint something. Do you know what I mean? That's the feeling I have around it and it's not, it's not 28 mil. It's too intricate. And I was just. Going to blur face, man.

Yeah. Your qualities. Oh yeah, literally might be the focus on the camera. No, your quality's just gone to shit. Your pixel as fuck. Yeah. Not for you, obviously. You've got your local. I see. I I. I. Actually, I like slightly bigger scale, like 30 centimetre stuff, you know that, but I've only got 3 good scalps of it. I love it like that, that elder and I walked past him and I'm like, I'm slapped in the face with. That's nice. Yeah. I, I, I I kind of desperately.

Want to see you paint something at this point for for how long we've been talking about not you painting, but just talking about the hobby. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. Some of these like are now. Paints are now paints A. Shocking amount to me. There's there's so much stuff like you'll have done 3 busts between every episode of this podcast. But Jamie, I feel like it's kind of funny how since we started doing this, you've painted way longer nothing. I've basically not. Painted in six years. It's not quite true. I've painted. Heavy metal, but I. Don't consider that painting.

It literally is 2018. January 2019 was the last time I painted something real. So you do the math. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, I haven't. And ironically, I've gotten better at painting in that time. Actually, I think you're tough. Yeah. It's so. Yeah, you do. To be clear, you've definitely done. Many things, but not stuff that you consider painting. Yeah, it's not real. Yeah, 20. 8 mils not real and and. I'm sorry, when I say 20-8 more, I don't mean the scale, I mean the way I paint it, just to, to be clear.

Right. Like the way I'm painting stuff, you know, I'm doing, it's tabletop and there's no exploration. I'm not brain farting myself. You know, it's, it's comfortable, it's fun. And yeah, some, some of the stuff I did in there was like I did some lighting. It's not real painting. It's not real painting. Yeah, so. No, we, we, we are a broken record and I'm aware of that. But now I'm able to identify why is a is a. It's a difference, right? Because I wasn't able to do that six weeks ago. I didn't know I wanted.

To paint six weeks. Ago. I wasn't sure, right? Yeah, I wasn't sure either. That's why. I Yeah, Your face exactly. Yeah. It's like I watched gay. Porn because I wasn't sure. And then by the end of it I was like, yeah, I'm not gay. It's the only way to find out I honestly I. Was like I mean I. I'm not attracted to men at all, but I need to check in every. Now and then, no, but I talk. About Dick all the time. Right. So I was like, I was like, all right, let's just check. And no, I went in hard, by the way, And it didn't work out. It wasn't good for me. I I yeah, it wasn't not good as it did.

Yeah. I wasn't aroused by this concept. Oh, What? It's too graphic. Did you say? Yeah, it is. OK, Well, I mean. If they're not ready for that. They're not ready for anything. Have I not gone that far in? This podcast. Feel like I have gone way worse than this podcast. Maybe that's what I feel. Also. Now, oh now what you've just witnessed is my old self. I mean I. Know your old self as well. Yeah, I. Didn't I'd forgotten what he was like completely. I've no idea who your old self is much. More like that. But you're used to that. But it's much more.

There's no inhibitions. With my old self, there was no reservation. But then I have definitely met that person I fucking. Hope I've met that person. No, it's worse. It's going to get worse. You know how how we distinguish? Between Lionel the holiday, Lionel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh God, yeah. You kind of have a holiday, Jamie. Actually, yeah, I do. I do. I think I do. Yeah, I did. I. Didn't want to admit that, but yeah, I probably do. I was much more relaxed because it's the only time in my life that I knew she couldn't. There was no control.

Or she's not. Well, no, she still fucking managed because she'd call me up. When you were in the car. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And then I'd feel guilty and then I'd feel bad and then like it was tainted for a while, Right? So. I do feel incredibly. Free. And a part of me is sad, like it goes against my upbringing, right? Like marriage is forever and you should like, you should just stay together. And I remember like people celebrating their divorce and I'd be like, that's fucking mental. How can you celebrate a divorce? And now I'm not on the page of celebrating a divorce because I still would have rather we were able to try and work on it and see blah, blah, blah. But now I'm out of it.

I'm a little bit like, Oh yeah, OK, staying would have been fucking hard and we might have been able to save something, but bloody hell, like staying with someone who a doesn't want to be there. But but even let's pretend they do that. Like I've got a lot of respect for anybody who goes through something. Obviously every single thing is different, like every affair and relationship is totally different. But yeah, if for those people who stayed and worked on it, it's a lot easier to leave because of how happy I am now, would I be more happy if we worked on it and got something back? Probably.

Who knows, but I don't know. Yeah, well or not. I mean, you were in it for. Like how many years? I I don't think yeah, 15. It was clear argument for no. Yeah, I agree. Why? You should stay together. No, we can't. Yeah. Definitely not, but that wasn't the point. Yeah, I guess, yeah. But yeah, so I guess we'll never talk about that again. And that's it. We've got closure. Definitely, definitely going to bring it finally. Yeah. My mate told me first thing met, went to the pub. He was like, I never liked her anyway. I was like, mate, why didn't you tell me that when I fucking met her?

He was like, you look so happy. I was like, you've been holding in that for 15 years that you hated her. And then he gave me these lists of reasons, like different events that happened and all the reasons why. And I was like, I mean, some of those I was like, I disagree with. That's like cultural difference. Maybe she should have been more polite in this and that. But yeah, that's not a reason to hate someone. But it is funny like that, that. You know. You, you're like, we're best mates, but you didn't like say anything like I was like, if you met this chick that was an absolute Dick head. I think I'd be like, dude, she's a bit of a cunt. Be like, I support you.

I love you. Would you? Yeah, I would. I would. Because it's unfair not to say. Something I will be like, look, I think, yeah, I think I would at least. Try to broach the subject a little, you know, I yeah, I would be like, I hate her if he. Does outrageous? Of course no. Even if it was a little like dude. I don't really like her. I love that you love her. I know that you like her, but I probably won't. Hang around with you guys that much? Kind of vibe, you know it depends on how long they like if if they.

Just started dating. You probably wouldn't hate that. That's great. I thought you like. Still don't get any. Really bad vibes. You should stop. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And also, she tried to suck me off in the car park. Throw some lies in, Right. I think that's important. Yes. Throw some lies in. Yeah, of course. Yeah. That's and that's the way to implement your friends and that's. Not controlling because you're friends, right? And they're, there is no control on your friends. It's like we could just, oh, be friends anyway. So yes, I'm looking forward to Golden Demon. Interestingly, I'm looking forward to Monty a lot more because of the food. And I might not get ice cream. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Yeah, I don't believe that I.

Believe I. Want to have I want to get more ice cream than we did. Last year, much, much more ice cream. I also want to eat in more than one restaurant. Oh fuck, that's going to hurt me. That's the partners, Yeah. We can't go to the. Same fucking place at. Least twice. No. Well, once every day is. Come on, Martin. Live your life a little yeah, that I no, no, no. Right. So the restaurant thing I'm more committed to not. Going to Monta for the miniatures and just can I just quickly. Realise. That this isn't a podcast anymore. This hasn't never been yeah at all for. Well, maybe I'm.

Now with my new eyes, I can. See it? I'm slightly embarrassed by it and excited by it, but yeah, right. Let's do, let's get back to the real podcast, right? Would you rather All right, or thought of the day now? We've done too much

introspective, right? So this was my chat line. OK, I went up to about 6 chicks. Now my mates were appalled by this chat line. Now I think it works well. I have an issue with me being 40 and these chicks probably being like 24567, right? I didn't go up to women that visibly look younger. I'm, I'm much less attracted to that now than I was two months ago, weirdly. And so I, I wasn't going, but but there was still obviously an age gap, right, Because they didn't have wrinkles and they didn't look haggard. That's not to say I do, by the way, because I mean, look at me. I would go up to them and about their look. I'm really sorry.

I've got like a serious question to ask you guys, right? And it was always in twos roughly. And I'd be like, and they'd go what? Well, jeez, like I'd be like, would you rather OK, and I might have already spoken about this on here. I can't remember not be able to pick up stuff for the rest of your life, right. If you drop something on the floor, you could probably do tables. It's fine. My delivery is always awkward, right, because I'm uncomfortable about being there because I feel like a cunt basically, but I'm I'm my my desire to talk to them over ways the cunt feeling. Do you know what I mean?

I'm not going in with some suave like so guys, would you? It's like I don't know what you think. I don't, I don't know what you think comfortable looks. Like, but like someone who who looks like that, who's very suave and is like, hey, that's not comfortable. That's that's being like an absolute moron. Yeah, I mean, and also we know you. I feel like you. Have my opener. Is. Yeah, exactly. We know what you're like. You're like, like the most natural. No, I feel like there's some. Guilt I'm like, guys, I'm really sorry I've got a really like a serious question or I've got an important question anyway, I'll. Ask them that and they'll be like and.

I'm really fucking stuck and I am stuck on the second part of the question. I was like, I've got this. I feel like this is an amazing would you rather, but I haven't got the second part. And then I'll give them two random things that I can think of, right? And then I'll be like other three things. OK. Well, yeah. Because I'm like, oh, this one or this one? Or like, because it's a conversation starter, right? It's not. I don't really. I I once I get a good one, rather I'll go in with a would you rather right, But it's much more like the journey and no one's given me like the full, the the complete the thing that makes that question whole yet. Well, I suppose the other one is never open doors again. OK, she can't open any doors.

The other one was like, you can never. You can only have a piss at home or shit at home, OK? The the other one is you. Can only like you can never fill up your car with fuel again. Like someone else will have to do it. Someone else has to open the doors. Someone else has to. So that not that, not that your car. Yeah, someone else, someone you'd have to go to the garage and be like, look, I'm really sorry. Could you just fill up my fuel? I have an irrational fear. I don't know, right. You just physically, you couldn't do it. Like no matter what you did, even if you put it in and squeeze it, nothing would come out. Like it's a magical feel sorted, right. So, but then what I'd do is I'd leave them. I wouldn't have the conversation with them and they could talk a little bit, but I'll be like, look, you look like you're having a good because there's always 2 chicks talking. They're in the middle of a conversation. It's so unnatural to go and interrupt someone who's talking, right?

Normally I'd try and wait until there was maybe a gap or something, but I couldn't to, to, I'm too desired, like I'm too keen on having a conversation. So yeah, I'd leave them like, and, and my mate would leave at this point he'd go right, I'm going to buy cigarettes. I need a piss. Like he just couldn't. He's he's basically got social anxiety, right? So he can't be there when I'm doing this stuff and I'm not. And then I turn around, he's fucking gone. And I'm like, all right, yeah, I mean, but I worked that out early. So I just go while he was away and then come back. And my concept here is I don't want to be so imposing that I sit down and then they're stuck with me. You know, I want to start a conversation. And then if they respond well, then maybe I go in. But the best 1 I had was this unbelievable chick. She was like, like everything physically that I'd want from a woman.

And I go to, she was at the bar by herself, so I knew she was buying drinks for a friend. And my friend was chatting to some girl that he who was fucked off her face by the way. Not like that she was still coherent, but she was clearly drunk anyway. And I answered the same question I actually opened with. I've got a question for you. And I knew she was like, OK, because I saw in her face go OK. And then I asked her and she just cracked up. And then she was like smiling. Like, I haven't seen anyone smile in a long time to anything that I've ever done. Because everything I do at home is is the response is I fucking hate you, right? So it's like I make these jokes and I clearly should stop because Tina hated them, but I couldn't help it. It's like part of who I am.

These they're not they're snide comments. If you think I'm a cunt, otherwise they're flirting. So they came. Across as county, right? But Tina, So this is the first time a chick laughed at something I said, and that was amazing, right? Anyway, she's laughing, laughing, laughing. And then as soon as John came back, she left and I was like, yeah, OK, negative energy. Anyway, for the next like half an hour, every time I came up with a new would you rather, I'd go back? And I'd tell the friends and they were so confused because I wasn't trying to chat them up, because I'd tell them the question because I had the idea.

And then I'd run away, right. And. And then? Finally I was like right let me go and talk to them properly because I like they were they were clearly OK. Why? Where are we going with this? What the fuck was this .0? Would you rather Fucking hell, why am I telling you this? I think it's because it's such a. It's a. It's no there is. No antidote anymore. This is just something, this is something in my life that I'm like, I feel happiness about, right? I didn't go anywhere. I didn't, I didn't get, I didn't get their numbers. I didn't try to. I didn't want. I'm not ready for a relationship. But yeah. And then I would like.

So they were there. The girl, the friend with them was literally laughing out loud from joy and happiness, right? And so is this chick who was like, amazing, but a humble enough to not be a cunt, right? Not like some dressed up twat. She was wearing like some coat that you just wouldn't wear in a pub normally. Like not she's not dressed up, no high heels. She's a girl. Like I could anyway. And I was like, yeah. I'm starting to do conversation and then. This little twat bouncer guy who was really awkward and really weird and I was wearing a Pokémon jumper and he'd already talked too long about my Pokémon jumper multiple times in the night came over and he goes, Oh yeah, that would you rather.

And I was like, oh, fuck you killing me. And then I just had to leave. Like he was just talking non-stop about the would you rather questions. Like the point wasn't would you rather like the would you rather is a reason to see if someone hates your guts or not, But I couldn't say that. So I was like, yeah, look, it's fine. I don't, I don't I don't need to burden a chick with my stuff right now anyway. So yeah, that's the. Anecdote. All right, you've. Ruined my life. So would you rather fuck it? Well, that's it. You've got, you've got that. Let's do Excavacuska.

At what point is theory just bullshit and you realise it's just the best to go out there and just paint? Think I could do that? Fart. I think I can answer that. Really quickly OK answer. Straight away. Basically. There's never, ever. I'm going to start doing courses on inspiration and motivation in the in the painting hobby. I need to get a course together. We can couple it with our three. We'll do a three day course, OK, And each each day, so it has to be on bank holidays. Each segment will be part of the course, so we'll each do a segment each day, OK.

And mine will be getting past your wall. I can't do it yet because I haven't got there, but once I have, I think I can anyway. Yeah, it doesn't fucking matter about the theory. If you've got a theory, test it out now. It's terrifying, and you're going to ruin a model, but you're going to learn a load of shit from doing that. And if you don't learn anything, you learn that you didn't learn anything, but you don't have a what if, and the theory was shit, so you can crack on. There you go. That's basically it, yeah. I mean, it's important, but not, not more important than painting. Painting is more important.

I think it gets. In the way sometimes. It's there's a, there's an almost endless amount of theory and, and what's the other word? Yeah, no, theory is probably it. Well, it's, there's so much reading and studying and thinking that you can do. And it's I, I think there's a risk of you stopping yourself. Well, I'm the proof of that. I'm literally the. Proof of that that you. You build up these walls, metaphoric obviously, that stop you painting later because you've got this theory that this thing is going to work. And there is no theory really, because if you just paint, you will find these things out yourself. And they will, they will come out because they have to come out because you're painting and you need to get something done, which means you have to do that thing that you need to do. And then at that point, yeah, ask an expert, look, I'm struggling with this thing.

And they'll tell you try this, try that. But it's not a theory. I understand that it sells and it does YouTube views and stuff. So I get why you do it and I understand why this whole thing went that way. But yeah, I think it's fucking poison. So we need to get through all of these, by the way. And we're only one hour in, right? So Robin, not my daughter. I would like to know how much

planning goes into a display piece. Like is the colour pad it decided is the base Bill is all build, finished base? Have you finished building the base and the figure before painting commences? Do people sketch their ideas? Basically you 2 are going to have very good different answers. You think we've? We've been, we've been here before, we've answered. Similar questions before we have yeah, so in theory we could do it quicker if we. Were go ahead, go ahead. Arnau yeah, yeah, for me, everything. Has to be maybe not thought or defined as complete, you know, fully specific, but you need, you need to prepare the base before before painting.

You need to everything is a is a is a part of a whole right? So the base cannot be done after painting. It's it's a. Part of the painting, so it's not. And then the painting itself has to be thought or planned in a, in a way, if you are starting to paint something and then like, yeah, you need, yeah, you definitely need some planning. Even it's if it's light color, these two things at least knowing where the light is or how the light is. And then the color I did a.

Lot of non planning, yeah. Even if you don't. Paint but just color in like I do. You can you can get a lot of work. You you need to have an idea of what to which colours to use, especially the base building. Like I'm now saying, I think there's AI think there's still people who who will do the finish the model and then think up a base. Don't do that. Always, always, always have an idea for the base or just build the entire thing. It's really really good to have a fully built base along with the models and having a really simple but solid idea of how to build a paint a clear image in your head I think is the.

Key and then like you say the base and yeah I for the longest years I I didn't plan I would just I think some I think that sometimes when. People think when we talk about colour schemes as well, like you don't have to decide every colour, which kind of that's kind of what I are now is talking about with like atmosphere and lighting and things. You don't have to decide everything like this shade of brown, this shade of white, all of that. But it is also quite good to have some colors pretty set. I usually go for things like cold, warm contrasts so that you know, like if I'm doing, I don't know, a model with a lot of cold colors, maybe a warm color for the base, stuff like that. It's quite good.

But that's that sort of general thinking will really help. I think it's also one less thing to. Think about while you're. Painting, right? Exactly. Yeah, all. All the questions that you may have during painting should be answered by something that you have prepared. So if you if you have prepared the character, the ambient, the situation, the everything should be any specific question that you have during painting should be answered by the general plan and the the any way that. You can answer those questions.

A lot of people like to draw just like a pencil sketch. We'll have a good idea of the composition. I like to do like Photoshop sketches, so I'll clip photos from just like from somewhere and then put them on a temporary base. Another thing that's actually quite good is when you're painting, if you have the model you're painting, whether or not you're doing sub assemblies, but especially if you're doing sub assemblies, it's good to have a second model fully built so that you can put that on your base and have an idea of that. That's surprisingly useful.

It sounds a bit like like, well, I'm going to buy 2, but like, yeah, I mean, that's not a probably not a huge cost depending on what model you're working with. Yeah, I know Abbott does the same. He builds his base, he builds the model and then he spends ages planning the the literals on on the Photoshop, right, discussing it. So I think planning if you're trying to really push yourself is extremely necessary. Basically, yeah, there's no other way. Yeah. And with the Photoshop stuff, it's very. It's very freeing because it's obviously you're not actually painting.

So that will allow you to be stupidly creative, which can be really fun. Like I I almost deliberately will do things that I know aren't going to work, like try some ideas that are not great because you can really kind of try some things out and open open yourself up a bit because again, it's completely non invasive. Yeah, the. Concept of thingy, right? Nicholas, you are back. That's the M I've never really

focused on basing. What are some core items to get you to get that you can build from? Looking online and it's stores. You could spend a lot on so many different basing accessories. One of the main things for me is. Not know that space. That space kills me. Just just. To build, it's like stabbing my soul. With a knife? Which space are you talking about? The hot the.

Space. Dead Space. Like empty. Space. Empty space. CCC. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of empty space in the world. I mean, not obnoxious, but so you do. You mean, for example, if you're building a? Base you. You don't want any of it to be to not have detail. Not detail, but meaningful. Space like composition wise the base and the and the and the model are one. So they if you have a lot of space in the base that is not adding anything, then it's not necessary because we are just, we are just doing a little glimpse of the the ambient, right.

Yeah. So why leave any Dead Space to? Be point. Yeah, we don't. We don't. Yeah, it's it's. What would you say that that that that? That kind of space could still have a purpose. It can still be. Definitely it could could. Depends on the Stormont and the narrative, right? Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I I remember. That was one of the first things Alfonso told me when I created my first base that I thought was cracking. He was like, dude, yeah, like, and he just cut it all off. He was like, if this is just one guy by himself and he doesn't need, you know, a huge base around him. Yeah.

Better fitness. Yeah. Yeah. Like, it was a sniper. We see a lot of those, actually. Yeah, we see a lot of those. Massive bases. It's kind of weird in the diorama big. Yeah, yeah. But also I. Feel even more or less. Yeah, yeah, the building like. Building a fancy elaborate. Display base for some reason means making it much bigger, but not necessarily more detailed or more dense. Strange. I agree. Did he did he ask about? Materials or what was he asking about? Yeah, I guess it's more like. Conceptually. If you're building bases, more concepts, yeah, OK, Well, yeah. The the the.

Next point for me when I try to build the bases different levels, so try try not to do everything in one level and you're talking about vertical like a little bit of. Verticality. Yeah, exactly. Some verticality and some. Even even if the guy is just standing in the in on the ground, do something else like even if it's just behind him or you know, or a hole or something that allows you to create a bit, a bit of space, vertical space that I think it's very useful because it just draws interest, right? It tells.

It's it's not just mono basically because we are, we are painting. Vertical figures most of the times and if we don't have a vertical base, what we are doing is we the balance is off is just the the space of the base is just if you look at frontal it right, it's just one line and the moment you you put it vertical, you equalize both with weights. I mean based on like you look at the golden demon. I don't know the name.

But he's the winner, right? With the. The elf running and the all the rabbits are running away. Rafael Brione. Yeah, like you look at. That piece, right, it's extremely. Vertical and look at the story that he's able to tell because of it. Whereas it's like, let's say a Blood Bowl team who's just on a platform or something, right? Like the the the narrative. Is obviously important. But you can, you can explore so much like you couldn't have a vertical bait. Well, you could suppose you could, you could build up buildings and stuff and say a guy running down the street. But yeah, a lot of a.

Lot of really great Necromonda. Bases will have some verticality, which is very fitting for that setting because that's a hype city. It's supposed to be all verticality. In fact, it's even synonymous with that. Almost. Isn't it like, yeah, if you don't have that, then like what are they doing kind of vibe? Yeah, that's true.

Thank you all, Russell, I have no. Clue who Russell is? Obviously he was a short lived guy and now he's out and he fucking won't watch this show. But that's our fault because these questions are literally 6 months old. Using single pigment paint. What ways are there to boost opacity other than adding white? Why is he painting? With single pigment. Paints is my first question, no offence Russell that you, but I understand the basic of the question is more how can you you boost? Actually I don't get it boost opacity. Boost opacity by adding a wise, Does he mean a? Yeah, that's a very weird.

Question. Very technical question, but why do you want different versions? If that that's how you do it like, well, I don't think he means does he mean brightness? Not brightness, no. But it is opacity? No, but it can't. Doesn't make sense to diversity. No, But what? Oh maybe because he's saying if he uses inks or heavy bodies which are high in pigment he has no coverage and the only way he knows how is to add white. But but why not add? The colour. Yeah, some some single pigments are. Translucent and some are not so it gets the bends but but boosting opacity doesn't matter how?

I mean doesn't matter what pain you are using. Yeah, exactly. It's difficult to use. If you don't add another colour. That it's more opaque. You literally cannot do it unless you you do that. That's. Why I think he wasn't asked? I mean it's stupid for us to try and infer what someone meant on the question. But you would never add white to add opacity, you would add the colour, which is why I think he meant the scale. Scale. Is that the right word? I don't know, I forgot the word for light and dark I mean. The first thing is that. I don't. I don't.

I don't think you have to paint with single payments. That's I tried. It's terrible. A huge misconception of the industry that I. Fight and I will fight till death. Well, that broke me are now I know. I've seen it dozens. Of times in workshops people literally struggling to to to death for with like 6 legs with a single pick yeah yeah yeah. Like you don't use them like. They, they are not adding anything to your process except for pain and suffering. Just add something else.

So pain with something normal. And then if you need to boost saturation, you can use them. But yeah, it's, it's a huge misconception. I think that this is the key point of the question. Yes, don't use signal pigments. But anything other than changing, enhancing or altering the colours that you already have, right? Yeah. So yeah, I did. I, I, I literally, I struggled. I I I do think that was. A contributor to my. Downfall like I spent a year. Probably trying to paint with. Signal pigments and we've heard the problem. Is not single pigments.

Is how these paints are built. They're not designed for. Fucking putting on top of models, yeah they are not comfortable. That's horrible point. Yeah. Yeah. Well, shit. That's it, right boys?

We now open the. Floor, we will open a new. Channel to Doctor Love Brush so anybody can submit their questions we will answer them with pictures if needed and and we will also open a. New sub channel with James divorce so if people want to keep following because we depot divorce. Oh. You see, See. See. It's going to come up, don't worry about it, But less and less every week. Like if it didn't come up much here except for relatable, attachable possibly if you have if if you have questions for Doctor Love.

Brush we can also just like answer them in the discord if it's quick stuff, if it's like, but then Martin, we don't. Because we don't have anything in this show. We we have nothing. OK, fine. Do you know what I mean? We hypothetically. We could do that. But we won't. We literally have no content. We are. We have so much content. Look, look. Do you know? What we have still not talked about at all on this podcast, The Armageddon Box. Oh shit, I didn't even know that was. Coming out the. Armageddon 11th We did do a, we did a mini in a rat on it or whatever it was.

They've done like they've done. They did a. What you call it deep dive. They did some some. Yeah. They did a little Q&A thing on YouTube where they were answering questions about the rules and I thought about you 2 because you've played the game in the last 17 years. Well, I need to. You might have opinions about that. Update my map. But I was daydreaming. About it yesterday, about how I just just do not give a flying fuck about the rules like I was. No, I I get that. I get that. I also do not. But I'm I'm just. But no. But you are right to say because it. Was literally my life. For two years I I travelled once a month to tournaments abroad. Like so you are not but.

Yeah, I was down. There which you can't see but I. Was on on the floor and my rulebooks are there and I looked at the rulebooks and I was like, Nah, like a part of me was. Like are elder good again and. Then I was like, Nah, it's just like, it's just like that. That's, that's the, that's where I'm at with the divorce, by the way, just to say like I'm like, I think about it and I'm like, it was such. I don't want to go there again, maybe in two years, three years, Not the divorce, the rules, and maybe if it's organic, but I have no desire to. But I have to learn the rules because I'm literally writing my website and the the TTS map that I have what, 60,000 members now or something?

So I was going to pivot and turn my entire income into charging people to use the new great updated map, but fuck, I can't be bothered. Absolutely do that 59. 1600 and. 22 That's a lot of people. It's a lot, a lot of people. It's a lot of people. What if this podcast had that many? Listeners, I would have a girlfriend fight. You mean money? Yeah. All right, Clunch. Yeah, we would. We'd have loads of money. Well, interestingly we've enabled Google as a net. YouTube has enabled adverts for our page now or or no? The adverts were always there, but now we get money.

So since it's been enabled, 24P boys, 24P fuck me, that's. Fucking. Unfortunately, that's like one that's like a gum or something you. Can get something to that right? He's pushing it. You can get like a radish radish. Is good. Yeah, like I. Think a stack of radishes is probably. Like 40P45P. Yeah, maybe like spring onion, which is the best thing in the world. Oh shit, I didn't put my shopping away. Thank you everyone for contributing to our Now Spring. Onion fund. He's not getting that money.

He has to. Get it through me, I'm not. Fuck that. No way he would not buy. I say contributing. Yeah, right. You want that? Yeah, it's. Spring onion. Yeah, on out. I mean, I feel happier by even talking to you than I did 5 weeks ago, Phil. I'm glad. To hear that, yeah. Happy is a different word. I'll see you later. Let's not go there. I'm done with an hour and 35 minutes. That's all right. Perfect. Exactly. I've got nothing left.

To say except for complaint lemsip, do you have lemsip in? Stockholm, where are you from? Sweden, something like that. What's Stockholm? I thought you said I'm going to have a lemsip. No. Like it then, isn't it? I don't think, I said. Anything, I said. Oh, I said. It's a nice little nugget of an episode. Oh, it's a great I hear what I want now. Men do that's. What I've learned that's actually a Simon and Garfunkel lyric that isn't a reference to my broken marriage, I am can't remember. The recording. Yeah, of course I'll.

See you next week, yeah?